filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
