WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
