You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles