I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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