im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
