Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
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it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
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Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?