Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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