Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
