some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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