Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
