it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i now understand why vodka
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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