Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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