Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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