You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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