ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
