The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
