my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the day after is always just damage control
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
