I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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