Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
