Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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