This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
