he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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