Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Semen is not good for contacts.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize