There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
