It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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