you didnt know i had herpes?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
