it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
