I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
