im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
