I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
do nipples grow back?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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