i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
