apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
