She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
where am i from again
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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