Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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