I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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