Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
