when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize