I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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