like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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