And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
