we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
