i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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