She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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