She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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