he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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