Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Where is the hickey?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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