The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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