I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
