I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this will be a night to untag.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
