____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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