Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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