my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
