Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
