so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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