I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
