Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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