Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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